Selfless or Selfish? Which do you really think Helps or Hurts?

From early on most of us are taught not to be selfish.  We are told that selfishness is not a very amiable or positive trait to have.  And in the extreme of how it’s negatively exercised this is true.  On the flip side of that coin, many of us are taught that selflessness is next to godliness….or something like that.  But what if {selflessness} is at the expense of positive growth and changes in your life?  Is selflessness still OK if it impedes your health, welfare and well-being?  Or what if selfishness is the key to proper balance and the road to well-being?  Now there’s something to ponder.  Let’s explore this a bit.

Believe it or not most of us do this selflessness on a regular basis and often to our own detriment.  We tend to NOT be selfish enough.  We don’t nurture ourselves enough and we give and give until there is nothing left.  Afterwards, we go beyond this if you can believe it.  We continue to be selfless to an extreme that some of us begin to feel resentful.  Many others begin to feel no one cares or appreciates them.  While in some cases this is truth, others eventually feel taken advantage of or manipulated.  While in the end, the majority ends up not having anything left to sustain themselves… emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually.  In other words, you end up bankrupt in every sense of the word.  Believe me, this is a hard lesson to learn and I encourage you not to do it if you don’t have to.

Do you really think that ignoring your own needs AND not practicing balance for yourself – in your own life will go unnoticed?  How long do you think that’ll last?  And how long do you think doing what is completely against your gut (because it’s the right thing that “THEY” think you should do) is going to last? Or perhaps you somehow feel that all that sacrifice (no pain, no gain mentality) is going to make up for it later and make it all better (you hope)? Think again! 

The point is that you don’t have to get to “that place” to “be there” for others.  You don’t have to be spent in every sense of the word to help someone.  In plain English, you can help yourself and others at the same time without loosing YOU.  There has to be balance.  I was talking with a good friend who had shared how it took a wake-up call of a hospital visit years ago to get him to realize that he had changes to make in his life.  He had been wrestling with them to the point that it was making him ill, literally.   I can relate to that as well.  Often we do what we are trained or conditioned to do based on what someone else thinks or how others may judge us.  In the end walking in difficult shoes that really weren’t customized for you in the first place.  We all have our chance to learn from difficulties.

There is nothing more grounding than walking in your own difficult pair of shoes because regardless of what anyone says, you can actually live with and learn from your choices.  The shoes get even more uncomfortable when you try to attempt to do what most people think is best for you, especially if it feels wrong in your gut.  But if you do it anyway, despite your own inner reservations and convictions, you are setting a stage for the perfect storm of other situations you will later feel bad about.  Regret and guilt are powerful reinforces for these scenarios as they will show up in areas of your life you least expect.  They will rear their ugly heads in ways you can’t imagine.  But one doesn’t have to set the stage for regrets and challenges.  We are able to consciously choose and set the tone of what we experience.  So paying attention to what your needs are is the first step in doing so.

In my line of work, we often talk about alignment.  What that means to me is being aligned with Self.  To some that sounds selfish but in many ways in order to be aligned with Self, you have to take care of and tend to Self.  That means, doing what instinctively feels right for you.  It means balance, it means allowing, it means knowing your limits and sometimes saying no.  I'll be the first to admit that I've made tons of crappy choices that I didn’t go to my instinct on because of my societal training, upbringing, fears, beliefs at the time, or just simply a hard head.  And many of you are doing that very same thing today.  But I later paid the price for not paying attention to my gut and also simply ignoring what I needed first.  I realized that in order for me to have something to give, I had to have it to give in the first place.  And in order to do that, I have to make time and space for me. 

You shouldn’t wait until the well runs dry within you to then try to patchwork yourself or anyone else up.  We all have something of value to offer the one’s we love and the world but you can do it more effectively if you have a reserve within yourself to do it from.  Ever noticed how some of the “givers” who aren’t balanced in their own “receiving” seem to attract a lot of people who will take advantage?  It’s not because the “givers” are deserving of that manipulation but from my view, they aren’t practicing a balance of that within themselves so naturally they may attract predators or others like them who give endlessly of themselves without balance.

I heard someone say something to the affect of, “How screwed is the logic... of the truly selfish when he or she proclaim you to be selfish … when you no longer cater do his or her bidding.”  I love that…. because I find it to be true.  And many of you reading this, if you are honest you will recognize that same tendency with some of the people you know or use to know.

Addressing these issues for some people can be a touchy subject and for others painful reminders.  Facing the beasts of our own creation can be scary but we tend to create situations by choices, decisions and in some cases not making decisions (which is a decision in itself). We all co-create in some manner our direct experiences, whether we are consciously or unconsciously contributing to them.  Of course you want to be aware of how you are making decisions that hurt you but many of us are not.

If you are giving tirelessly of yourself and are finding imbalance in YOUR life then perhaps a self-check is in order.  Go to the source, ask your higher self if you need to apply a bit of selfishness to create harmony and balance.  Feel and listen to what your gut instincts and feelings are telling you instead of everyone else.  Don’t stop doing what is important to you but don’t create these issues of imbalance and regret within your own well-being because of it either.

“Why walk in difficult shoes that weren’t customized for you? There is nothing more humbling and grounding than walking in your own difficult pair of shoes, because regardless of what anyone says, you can actually live with and learn from your choices.” ~ Christmas Miller